My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize