im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
