If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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