I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
