i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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