He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
