I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
