Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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