Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
