i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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