We won't sleep together?
Just fell off a train. Bad.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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