K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
