apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
