apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
he thought i was a dude.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
