paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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