great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
