I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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