So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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