got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
