Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
