Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
