wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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