they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My penis needs a shock collar
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
