Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize