I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
