Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
