Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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