woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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