Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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