My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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