Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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