I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
