stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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