My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
