You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
