I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I understand Curling. That high.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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