The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
