I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
