You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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