she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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