I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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