Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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