Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
