Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
