dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
