I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
