Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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