HIV tests are more positive than that guy
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize