I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
