some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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