my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
