that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
