we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
