Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
