I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
